ME vs. ME; my biggest fight!

How does one stop themselves from stopping themselves, when they are their own worst enemy? Well, if it’s true you should keep your enemies close, then this is as close as I can get. Me, myself and I!! The battle of the century.

Two weeks ago my summer vacation ended and I went back to work. Even though I got up at the same 5:30 a.m. time all summer, as I did during the last school year, I could barely open my eyes when the first day of school came. Each day got a bit easier but I came home totally exhausted. My days of freely coming and going and napping as the urge hits, were DONE, Now my days are planned by the minute, lunch is squeezed in and there is NO time for naps.

My ailing bad back has not taken well to the new schedule either. Which has made the much-needed sleep I yearned for all day, very painful. Every day these past 2 weeks I have planned to workout every morning, but wake with pain, stiffness and with little mobility in my hips and low back. After applying heat, stretching, walking (actually more like wobbling) my dog, and a hot shower, I’m usually better but it’s then time to rush off and hustle through the work day. So, I would think, “I’ll get my planned workout in after work! –no excuses!” Huh!!

After work exercise did not happen either!

I’m feeling adjusted to the new schedule now and the back pain is less. Ready to get back to my exercise routine and work on my health goals.

The wise learn many things from their enemies!

If I don’t learn anything from my setbacks, then I’m doomed to repeat them. The cycle of always sabotaging my own success must stop. I must step back and reevaluate. What works, what doesn’t? What is my why—Why am I on this journey? Why do I keep failing and having to start over? I believe these are questions I need to ask myself almost daily.

Unfortunately…….or maybe it’s a fortune, when I mull over these questions in my head, I am forced to deal with deep seeded issues. Does anyone want to dig deep and peel away the layers of protection the brain and heart have created for survival??

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Yes, I do. Mainly, because I know it’s that small seed lying layers beneath that I need to eradicate in order for me to succeed. May my heart and mind work together in harmony.

 

The “seed” beneath  is my fear of diets. Fear of relapsing to the mindset I had during my eating disorder years. I fear that crazy disordered monster will return. It has been 14 years since I left the out-patient clinic and quit the therapy. In those 14 years, I have been skeptical of “diets” but still have tried many. Restrictive diets do send my head in a tail-spin. Deprivation causes anxiety and brings back nightmarish memories of the years farther back than 14 years ago.

(Side note: I was diagnosed with a form of Bulimia. Current culture may call it “disordered eating” or “binge eating disorder”. I was a non-vomiting bulimic with my choice of purging done by over-exercising, starvation and laxatives)

It was an ugly F##*** world. –The F-word does not even explain the ugliness of those years. Sadly, that crazy disordered monster still lives inside and currently I just keep shoving food in to shut it up. An even sadder realization of this, is that Bulimia is a  bingeing disorder—-so am I continuing to have the disordered eating, just without ever purging??????   I am secretly inserting swear words at this moment.

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I honestly, sat at looked at this chart. I am very familiar with the cycle. I have spent a lot of time working on how to break each point.  At this current moment, I can look at it and see that diets do cause this to be a recurring cycle in my life. However, somehow I have learned to skip the ugly BINGE and PURGE part and go right to redemption. I do eat in excess at times, but nothing close to the ugly binges I used to have. Those were close to psychotic, in my opinion. I feel comfortable saying I am not “certifiable” at this moment, but I am still struggling with food at this time.

Thank the Lord I don’t have the hate for my body as I once did. I’m comfortable in my skin and don’t feel I have to look a certain way for anyone. That is a huge improvement and I have come a long way. Hallelujah!! It was that hate for my body that would drive me to the purge level. I had to rid myself of all those calories cuz it was going to make me fat and ugly and hideaous. I may feel guilty, but not the crazies!!

Now I come to the WHY part. Why am on this journey????

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It’s health and well-being. I’m no longer a young girl who has years to fix things. I know the extra weight is not good for my health and longevity. My body fat is in the “obese” range. My elder years are closer than I would like to admit and I need to change things now before it’s too late. It’s easy to ignore what you cannot see…….but bad habits do accumulate in the body and I fear I will paying for them in my older years. I need to take a stand and get control of my life now, before later takes it.

Speaking of habits, a few weeks ago I began the Task of the Week.  My first task was to eat dinner at the table. We did very well with that until I went back to work. We haven’t had many meals together actually. Reinstating this task! We should be getting into a better routine now and will be eating at the same time. I will insist on dinners at the table.

Now, that my layers are pulled away and my “seed” is revealed, I can move forward and work on regulating my fears. No deprivation diets in my future, yes to exercise and movement, yes to eating wholesome foods that make my body feel good and energized.

The journey continues, the journey of life. Stop and breath, enjoy the moment—its a joy to be alive.

Lawna

 

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